I’ve been involved with doomsday devices in my day. I have to admit that I’m not a big fan of them, if you kill everyone on the planet, there would be nobody left to psychoanalyze. Despite that, there’s a certain elegance to the totality of the doomsday device. If you’re going to destroy your planet, you can do it in style.
But what kind of a doomsday device should I use? There are many to choose from: cobalt bombs, planet eaters, hyperspace bombs, Death Stars, mass drivers, Trilithium torpedoes, NOVA bombs, Galactic Implosion Devices, Vogon Constructor Ships, ice-nine. The list goes on and on.
For this task, however, I need something tailor made for where we’ll be.
My henches and I flew to the People’s Republic of China in my Shadow Stealthship where I began to work immediately on something that would suit our needs.
“Hey Doctor, you got any shrimp?” Bob the Goon interrupted my work.
“Yes, there is a plate in the microwave.”
“I knew it!” Bob pulled a plate of breaded coconut shrimp from the oven and left the room munching happily.
“Are we gonna blow up the place?” Apocalypto Pickle asked as he watch me running computations. “I can make a big explosion.”
“Yes, an explosion would be nice, but not suitable to our needs right now.”
“Well, what’s it going to be?” Iron Butterfly asked.
“Something so destructively evil that even I am surprised that I thought of it.”
“Really,” Gun Nut sniffed snidely. “Few things you do surprise me.”
“It is finished. Now, let us pay a visit to the government.”
We flew to Beijing and easily broke into the office of President Hu Jintao, defeating his guards easily. We were fortunate that Premier Wen Jiabao was there as well as it would make this easier.
“Gentlemen, it is good to meet with you today.”
“What are you doing here?” the president demanded. “Who are you people?”
“Let me introduce myself, I am Dr. Nemonok and I would like to show you the one thing that will bring this country to its knees. The one thing that will bring you to your knees.”
“You are a fool,” Premier Wen Jiabao said. “You may have defeated the troops here, but you have the entire nation’s military to contend with now.”
“Do I?”
I activated the controls and the construct hummed to life. Shortly thereafter, shapely Chinese women began to emerge from it.
“What is that?” Hu Jintao demanded.
“Your new Chinese cloning facility. I engineered the clones myself, normally I stay away from the filthy abominations but in this instance, I couldn’t resist.”
“Well, they certainly are good looking,” Wen Jiabao leered.
“Yes, they are. Their genetic makeup has also been altered a bit. I isolated some of the unique characteristics of tribbles. These clones are designed to do little more than to eat and reproduce.”
“I wouldn’t mind helping them with the reproducing,” chuckled the premier.
“Oh of course not, but they will only reproduce women.”
“Only women?” asked the president. “We cannot have women overrun our country. We are so overpopulated already.”
“Indeed. It would soon be very difficult to handle another 1.3 billion, wouldn’t it? Feeding, educating, housing, and everything else. You would soon be stepping over the bodies of your dead.”
“You’re a madman!” yelled the premier.
“A madman am I? No no, I am just the disembodied brain of the galaxy’s greatest psychiatrist contained within a nutrient rich jar. Oh, and if necessary, I could turn up the cloning production a bit.”
“No, please don’t,” said that president. “What do you want?”
“Simple. Kneel before Dr. Nemonok.”
“What?”
“Bow down to Dr. Nemonok.”
Begrudgingly, the two Chinese politicians dropped to their knees in front of me.
“Nice job, boss,” Iron Butterfly chuckled to me.
“Heh, I’ve done better.”
