The challenge was on to destroy Christmas. I began to doubt my own commitment to being a super villain. Sure, I shot the Pope and even kidnapped Jane Fonda forcing her to treadmill for eternity. But now we're talking about going up against Santa. Even super villains should have the decency not to mess with the Fat Man.
I decided the easiest way to destroy Christmas would be to attack its source: Jerry Christ.
"Jesus Christ," The Haitian corrected.
"Right. Jesus Christ. To the Vatican!"
I put on my big hat and gathered the cardinals together.
"Ladies and gentlemen," I began.
"There are no ladies here," Cardinal Jim spoke out.
"Oh, good," I replied and let out my gut. It really strains the intestines sucking it all in. "I've called you here today for an emergency meeting about Christmas. We have to destroy it, and only we have that power."
The Cardinals applauded. "For years," Cardinal Jim said, "we have been forced to compete with St. Nicholas. We even tried revoking his sainthood. Christmas should be our holiday, it's about Christ, our lord, and it's about time we take it back!"
"Exactly. It is is about Christ, your lord. But taking it back won't work. We have to get rid of it completely. So, we need to rid this Jesus guy from Christianity."
"But," said Cardinal Cassius, "he is the secret ingredient in our Eucharist bread!"
"And the foundation of Christianity," Cardinal Jim added.
"Then we'll need to find a new secret ingredient."
I called up my good friend and mortal enemy, Professor X.
"Hey, Charles. Find some reindeer and attach to your wheelchair. Have the mutants make a lot of toys and deliver them to the nice children on December 25th."
"Who is this?" he replied.
I knew it was sarcasm. His telepathic abilities should have identified me, even over an iPhone. "I know you know it's me!" I replied.
"But do you know that I know you know I know it's you?"
He was clearly drunk. "Can you help me or not?"
"I'm leaning toward not," he replied.
Could a man in a wheelchair lean?
He continued, "After the ketchup incident, why should I?"
"Because Christians deny evolution, and now is your chance to show them the truth!"
"Their ignorance does not affect me. I have my own school for the gifted where I teach evolution first hand."
"Well," I thought hard. "What about all the good kids that are going to miss out on Santa this year?"
"Miss out? Why?"
"The President bombed the North Pole. Santa's awaiting trial and will likely be hanged."
This seemed to strike a nerve with the pedophile...uh, I mean paraplegic. He paused, obviously thinking about the little ones.
"Yes, I am thinking about the little ones," he said. "I'd hate to see them go without their toys. I'll do it."
The X-Men all started working hard on restoring what the Bush Administration destroyed. Hopefully they can do a better job than the Democrats.
"Sir," The Haitian said to me, "how exactly is this evil? And for that matter, doesn't it do the opposite of what the challenge called for?"
He was right of course, but I couldn't show incompetence in front of my minions. That was Wonka's mistake, and now he's wearing concrete shoes at the bottom of the chocolate river. I quickly thought up a new and devious plan. "I have a new and devious plan," I replied to the man from Haiti. "Let the X-Men restore Christmas. We'll switch the nice and naughty list. The good kids will get nothing but coal, except for the good, poor, cold kids. Coal would be a good thing for them. We'll give them ice instead. And the naughty, well they'll get all the greatest gadgets our corporate world has to offer!"
With a sinister smile, and using anti-telepathic techniques the company taught me, I handed Professor X the revised lists. He flew off the roof to unknowingly do my bidding.
Goodbye Christmas, Hello X-Mas.