Sunday, October 21, 2007

Horn-Rimmed Villainy

So, I glanced at the classifieds after reading Dilbert. Not that I was looking for anything particular, but I found it anyway.

Are you a frustrated clerk, or wage slave wanting to get revenge back at a world that has pigeon holed you into a dead-end existence?


Are you a geek or nerd who's had enough of being picked on by those who are more masculine and hirsute than you?

"Yes! Yes!"

Do want to stick it to the man?

"In a totally non-gay way! Yes!"

My manager knocked on the door and shouted, "No sex in the break room!" His annoyance only added to my desire to be a super-villain.

Ever since leaving the company, I found my life has been rather dull. Sure, I still try to keep things spicy. I maintain a relationship with an Indian geneticist/taxi driver and we've got a few secrets, but it just isn't the same.

According to the ad, by signing up for this reality game thing I could "travel the world, meet new people, make interesting enemies." That's just like what my life used to be like!

But am I villain? Do I have it in me? Sure, I was doing some horrible things back in the day, but that was just the job, ya know? I wasn't evil, I just had a good work ethic. Now, I guess shooting your boss in the head is a little unethical, but he was adamantly against casual Fridays. I say that's fair enough.

And so, I've moved on, away from villainy to a life of relative goodness. But goodness is so boring! It's like being on NBC. Where's the cutting-edge excitement?

"Right here," was the reply from Beekeeper man. I had the feeling I knew him from somewhere, but then I've met a lot of beekeepers in my day. The company employed them for our enhanced interrogation techniques. Nothing loosens the lips like a swarm up the Yin Yang.

I was impolitely shown to my quarters by a villainous bellhop. "Get in your room and keep quiet 'til you're called for." He held out his hand.

"Sorry, I don't tip."

"What do you mean you don't tip?"

I replied, "Watch Reservoir Dogs, you'll understand," and slammed the door in his face.

Ah, villainy! Sweet, tipless villainy!


Henchman432 said...

Hey, is you smoking hot little girl going to show up?

Dr. Nemonok said...

Greetings Mr. Butler, though I am certain that is not your real name. I am a big fan of your company, if you are indeed still employed by them.

Analysis: Master of Black Ops, has the ability and determination to finish the job given to him. Also determined to make it up the corporate ladder by shooting those who stand in his way. Loyalty to his adopted daughter is his only liability.

Conclusion: Perhaps not the most evil contestant here, but I will need to watch my proverbial back nonetheless.

Good luck, Mr. Butler is it?

captain koma said...

Nice to have you here.

Please don't tip the staff.

They don't get the money anyway.

Its Tattoo's little scam.

You could practice shooting him if you like. I try but he's a lot quicker than you expect.

Synth-Lin said...

Oh its so nice to see you again Mr Bennet. I do hope your niece is doing well she was quite a hoot when we met last time. Of curse you were in my body and I was in gee I forget. But its nice to see friends. Its like a big get together.

I feel warm all over.



Bruce Cain said...


TX said...


Gyrobo said...

Egads! You've just risked the ire of the 4-thousand-member villainous bellhop union (VBU)!

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Cool I don't tip either, except when I eat at a nice place or go to a hottel or have a good tourist guide.