Of course a good villain needs an army of underlings to undertake his or her plans. My dark lord Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord himself has quite a sizeable legion at his bidding. Some of which don’t make it all the way to fruition of those scenarios as many are captured or killed in their service. All the reason to keep a large army, I suppose.
I myself have never employed henchmen. I did once have a secretary, though, when I was a psychiatrist. She was smart and sassy and she showed a lot of leg – usually all three of them. Were I not a disembodied brain encased in a nutrient-rich jar, I might pursue her romantically. Of course women like that are typically only interested in a man’s body and rarely his mind and though I have much of the latter, I am obviously without the former. All the better I suppose, instead of wasting my time in the pursuit of frivolous romances, I can devote it to the development of my mind.
I should get to the task at hand. I already have one henchman, so to speak. Perhaps he has the talents to get me more.
“Boris. Tell me, where would one go to find good henchmen?”
“Hmm,” he thought for a moment. “Well, there is the seedier side of town. I know there are a lot of dirty bars filled with the kind of guys we’re looking for.”
“Very good. Take me there; we shall interview the riffraff until we find suitable underlings for me.”
And with that, Boris helped me into the back of a panel van took me to one of the seedier public houses.
“Uh, boss,” Boris mumbled.
“Mebbe I should just go in there, you know ‘cuz on account of what you look like and all.”
“I understand, people are often judged by their appearance and mine can be quite alarming.”
Perhaps someday, people will understand the freedom of being without a body. No need to maintain it; no worries about weight gain, degradation of eyesight, or the flaking off of scales. With a mind unencumbered by the restraints of the physical body, it can soar to incredible heights. I mean this proverbially, of course.
“Allright, I gots three good candidates right here boss,” Boris interrupted my thoughts. Well, not really interrupted, as I can continue them while I carry on this simple conversation with him. Another benefit of being all brain – endlessly efficient multitasking. “They even brought their résumés in case they were gonna get hired.”
“Splendid. Show me the first.”
“This is Iron Butterfly,” Boris showed me his dossier as the large man stepped forward. “He’s your basic strong-arm type. I’ve worked with him before. He’s good.”
“Indeed? Tell me Iron Butterfly, with so many options for weapons potentially available to you, why the wooden club?”
“It works,” he answered with a shrug. “It has a simple elegance that I totally dig.”
“Interesting. Tell me about your wings. They do not appear to be the norm for humans such as yourself.”
“Yeah, I’m a mutant,” he answered. “They grew out when I was a kid and all the other kids used to pick on me. Then I got mad. Then I got bigger and they don’t pick on me no more.”
“Double negative aside, I do like what you have. Boris, who is next?”
“This is a professional assassin and gunrunner named the Gun Nut.”
“Pleased to meet you.”
“I bet you didn’t think you’d see a woman, huh?” she asked with a lot of anger boiling in her throat.
“I am a disembodied brain in a jar, I make few assumptions. Males of your species are often physically stronger, but the females clearly show the technical prowess to accomplish anything they set themselves to. Many are also accomplished fighters as I have seen them engaging in such activities on your broadcast programs.”
“You bet,” she said with a satisfied smirk. “I’m the best shot in Asia and I haven’t yet found a man that I couldn’t outthink, outfight, or outshoot.”
“Gun Nut, I like your attitude. Clearly you are what I am looking for in a henchperson. Boris, who else do we have?”
Gun Nut stepped aside with an evil grin and punched Iron Butterfly in the shoulder as Boris stepped forward once again.
“And this is Apocalypto Pickle,” Boris said. “Explosives and electronics.”
“Interesting. Tell me about yourself. Why such an unusual name?”
“You got somethin’ about it, bub?” he growled while squinting at me. “I’ll just tell you one thing, if I can get into it, I can blow it up. And I can get into anything.”
I like these three that Boris unearthed for me. Each is clearly capable in their respective fields and each has issues that I can use to my advantage should the need arise.
“Consider yourselves hired. I only offer you the best wages that you could ask for. Of course, it would be up to you to steal these as I have little of or use for your Earth money. This works in your favor as I do not need a cut.”
“Yeah, that sounds good!” Iron Butterfly roared. The other two nodded in agreement.
“But first, I must see a true demonstration of your abilities. What could you do to Boris here?”
“What?” Boris wailed. “No!”
“Boris, why would you lie to me about Koma’s union plan when he clearly has one of the most infamous union henches under his employ?”
“What?” he sputtered. “No, it was a mistake! You gotta believe me. I’m not in the union!”
With a malicious grin, Iron Butterfly sent Boris sprawling from his crashing club.
“Of course you are not in the union. You must be employed for 90 days in order for the processing to go through. An annoying amount of red tape, for sure, but not something to die over is it?”
“I tried to—whulp!” he was sent sprawling again with a surprisingly nimble kick from Apocalypto Pickle. The diminutive green sapper followed up with a devastating uppercut.
“There was nothing you could have gained by your actions. I could see through your lies as easily as you could see my brain through this nutrient-filled jar.”
“Yeah but, I hadda get on the medical plan,” he begged from his knees. “I had a little somethin’ that needed to be cleared out, you know?”
“Ah yes, temptations of the flesh. You caught a disease after succumbing to your carnal desires and thought that working for me would get you medical help faster.”
“Yeah, you know,” he admitted through his wincing face. “I thought you’d help, you’re a doctor.”
“You are correct there. And it pains me to see you suffering now.”
A shot rang out and Boris slumped to the ground. I small hole and a trickle of blood appeared between his eyes. Behind his head, however, was a bit more gruesome.
“Why Gun Nut, you shot him.”
“Yeah, well you wanted to see what we were capable of, din’t you?” she answered with an evil leer. She then blew the smoke from the barrel of her firearm.
“Indeed I did, Gun Nut. Indeed I did.”