Join an evil organization? Bah! Magneto does not join - he conquers! The only question is which of the myriad bad guy enterprises shall I allow to benefit from my brilliant leadership?
I have found that the most reliable source for identifying weakened organizations ripe for taking over is the Super Villain Weekly. The help wanted section in the back will tell you who has been routed lately. I leaned back in my evil easy chair and snapped open the paper.
The first item was a help wanted for COBRA. Apparently GI Joe had captured both the Commander and Serpentor and no one else there knew where the key to the Terror Drome was. Believe me, I have no interest in leading an army of soldiers with unlimited ammunition that can't hit a man twenty feet away.
The next piece was for an immediate opening for the Chief Executive of FEMA. Please. They are more incompetent than COBBRA.
The third bit was interesting though. Apparently the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants was recruiting. My Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. I suppose I have to blame myself. I never bothered letting them know I had managed to sneak my way out of Hell. They probably thought I was still dead.
I left my Henchmen with explicit instructions to make my headquarters more . . macho. Then I hopped in a cab and levitated to the Brotherhood's new HQ. Turned out to be a trailer in the back of a Wendy's parking lot in Patterson, New Jersey. My team had fallen on hard times indeed since I died. I knew they would be over-joyed to see me again.
"Oh no! Not this guy again!" wailed the Blob as he tossed aside a used Baconator wrapper.
"Oh great! There goes our health insurance premiums!' moaned Master Mind.
"What are you talking about?" I protested. "Your great and glorious leader has returned!"
"Why?" asked Avalanche. "What did we ever do to you?"
"Yeah!' chipped in Toad. "What do you want from us anyway?"
I drew in a deep breath and raised my arms dramatically. "Why . . to attack the X-Men, of course!"
They all groaned. "Come Magneto," said the Blob. "How many times do they have to kick our asses before we stop attacking them."
"Well if you don't want to do bad guy things like attack super heroes, why did you place that ad in the paper?" I asked.
"We want to do bad guy things," Master Mind said. "We just want to do easier bad guy things."
"Yeah," agreed Toad. "Things that won't get us so beat up all the time."
I thought for a moment. "Well how about fighting the Village People. Do you think you could handle that?"
My troops looked around at each other for a moment and then all broke out into smiles. "Yeah,. let's do that!" they all shouted as one.
We all piled back into the cab and flew back to my fortress. The Brotherhood rushed in, blood in their eyes. I immediately froze. My henchmen had indeed redecorated, though it was definitely not what I meant by more "macho".
Loud, pounding techno music started. The Village People came out with food platters. Blob rushed forward and started to help himself to the food. The other mutants started dancing.
Great. Just great. I'm going back to my command center.