Thursday, November 15, 2007

Nemonok: Deeds, Not Words

My henches and I were flying over Sierra Gordo in my Shadow Stealthship. The flight was as quiet and uneventful as I had anticipated.

“This isn’t my first time in a spaceship,” Bob the Goon said. “I once was in a 1964 Chevy Malibu that had an alien in the trunk. Otto and I flew through space and time in that thing.”

“Whatever, man,” Apocalypto Pickle grunted.

“It’s true man,” Bob insisted. “Just Otto and I and a plate of shrimp. Y’ see, the flyin’ saucers are time machines. Where d’ you think man came from? From the flyin’ saucers.”

“Hey man, you talking crazy,” Pickle laughed back.

“Quiet, you two,” Iron Butterfly interrupted. “We have something coming up on the screen. A lot of somethings.”

“It looks like an armored force,” Gun Nut said while looking at the readings. “The equipment is definitely from the United States. Looks like we have a highly trained special missions force from America visiting.”

“Destroy them all. I will not have some foreign army despoiling my new country.”

“Yes sir, Doctor,” Butterfly answered with a grin. “Hah ha, a buncha them dopes are in motorcycles, too!”

“Have fun, use the cannons.”

“Hey, lemme in on some o’ that action,” Pickle grabbed the controls to one gun station while Butterfly manned the other. Both happily fired away at the helpless vehicles on the ground.

“Doctor, may I have a word with you?” Gun Nut asked.

“Of course.”

“In private.”

“Very well, please join me in my private chambers.” I moved my containment unit out of the control center as my two henches yelled jubilantly while firing the ship’s weapons.

“Dr. Nemonok, do you like me?” Gun Nut asked once we were in private.

“Of course. I admire your skills and I appreciate your usefulness to me. That is why I handpicked you to be my weapons expert. Well, not handpicked exactly, you know what I mean.”

She stepped closer towards me. “I mean, do you care for me?”

“Yes I do. As I care for the other henches. You are a very valuable member of my team.”

“No not like that,” she breathed heavily. “Not professionally. Personally.”

I finally understood what she was trying to ask. It was the relationship talk, as the females of this species so often engage in. I expected this, but not so soon.

“I appreciate you very much and I care for you very much. I long for your presence when you are not near me.”

“Oh that’s sweet,” Gun Nut replied happily. “What do you like about me?”

“Clearly your countenance commands the attention of not only me, but of all other males in the room.”

“Really? Oh that’s so nice, Doctor Nemonok,” she purred. Then her features changed just slightly. “What else?”

“What else? Very well, I was hoping to save this but now is as good of a time as any. Please look in cold storage unit 5.”

“Oh, it’s beautiful!” she squealed as the door hissed away to reveal a fur coat. “And you got it for me?”

“Certainly. I personally supervised the killing of the animals from which it was made. It cost a little more that way, but you are worth it.”

“Oh Nemonok!” she wrapped her arms around my brain containment tank. “You are wonderful. I’m going to try it on right now!”

“Hey boss,” Iron Butterfly’s voice crackled over the comm system. “We destroyed all those tanks and stuff. Ha ha, we smoked ‘em good.”

“Excellent. Prepare for landing.”

I landed the Shadow Stealthship perfectly and we quickly exited to take a look at our surroundings.

“Looks like a nice spot, boss,” Butterfly said. “Now, how are we gonna build a base?”

“Simple, you and Apocalypto Pickle will build it. You can mine for the iron ore over there. I will have the plans prepared once you have enough.”

Butterfly and Pickle stared at me with their jaws dropped open. Gun Nut just smirked a little.

“Uh boss, I don’t wanna sound ungrateful or anything but we don’t have anything to mine the iron with,” Pickle said. “How do we even know there’s enough iron around here?”

“Heh heh, I have fooled you. That was a little experiment of mine in Earth humor. Wasn’t that funny? I said wasn’t that funny?”

Butterfly and Pickle laughed uncomfortably. Gun Nut continued to smirk and snorted once out of her nose.

“Yeah, you got us, boss,” Butterfly said. “You got us good.”

“Thank you, but my ship shall do the work for us. It is equipped to draw the elements out of the ground to build a protective edifice around it. I know that it is somewhat unconventional, but who wants to go through the hassle of hiring contractors? Bunch of money-soaked felons, they are.”

My underlings watched in awe as the protective base began to form around the ship. Like a metallic crystal stretching out, it quickly enveloped the ship and formed our new base.

“Yo, boss,” Pickle called out. “We got someone coming in on a motorcycle.”

“Aw, did we miss someone back at that masacre? What’s with the jumpsuit?” Butterfly asked as the intruder drew closer.

“That motorcycle kind of looks like a time machine,” Bob the Goon added.

“I’m Ace Hunter, leader of Megaforce,” the man announced as he leapt off his motorcycle. He kissed his thumb and showed it to Gun Nut in some sort of a macho gesture I could only presume. “My team and I are here to help the rebels topple the evil régime that is plaguing this country because the good guys always win, even in the 2000’s. Are you the rebels?”

“Yeah, sure we’re the rebels,” Butterfly snickered. Pickle began to laugh as well.

“What’s so funny here?” Ace Hunter demanded. “Hey, what’s that you got in the jar there? It looks like a brain.”

“Of course it’s a brain, foolish human. It is I, Dr. Nemonok!”

“Doctor Who?” he asked, his eyebrows furled in confusion.

“Not Doctor Who, you stupid twit.” Gun Nut stepped forward. “It’s Dr. Nemonok.”

“And he’s a talking brain?”

“Yes. I am a talking brain, though if you really want to get technical, I don’t actually talk. I send signals that are received and decoded, then transmitted as sound through my vocoder for you to hear. Now if you don’t mind, my henches and I are preparing our new base of operations. Good day, sir.”

Ace Hunter drew his sidearm and aimed it at us. “Henches, eh? Well, we’ll see about that. Why don’t we all just sit right here nice and cozy until the rest of Megaforce arrives.”

“You mean all those tanks and stuff we destroyed back there?” Butterfly threw his thumb back with a laugh. “Nothing’s left but a bunch of smoking scrap, hah hah!”

“Yeah, you’re going to have to write a lot of sad letters to a lot of mothers when you get back,” Pickle chimed in.

“I don’t think that he’s going to get back,” Gun Nut added.

“You fiendish murders!” the hero growled. “I’ll end your reign of terror myself.”

The Megaforce leader tried to pull the trigger of his pistol, but my weapons expert was faster. Ace Hunter reeled backwards as the impact a single slug bore into his forehead, ending his miserable existence quickly and completely.

“Aw, I was gonna bash him,” Butterfly chuckled.

“Too bad for him,” Pickle laughed.

“Good job, Gun Nut. A pity though, I was certainly expecting more. Is this the best that they can offer?”


captain koma said...

you killed him dead cold. You didn't taunt him, try to blackmail him, or even torture him.

Its was because of his horrible beard wasn't it. Either that or his proto-mullet.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

That is Future Mullet, to you Koma.

Ace reminde me of some A-hole i know back inteh day. We use to throw toast at him. Always sometime after mindnight. It was a Rocky time and the Horror was to much. But it was still quite a Show.

Mr. Butler said...

Dr. Who? Now why didn't I think of that!

Gyrobo said...

That guy could sure use one of my patented prosthetic foreheads.