Thursday, November 8, 2007

Mission Two: Papernapping

"Sorry," I said to The Haitian. "You'll have to refrain from participation in this. You may arouse suspicion."

"Because I'm a Black man?"

"Uh...no, it's...your...uh...shaved head! Yes, that's it. Your shaved head. Shaved heads are notorious for robbing banks: Lex Luthor, Charlie Brown, Natalie Portman."

"Okay," he said, "but take this, just in case." He handed me a smelly fish with a redish hue.

"Uh, thanks," I said putting it in my inside jacket pocket.

The cheerleaders and I arrived at the bank, ready to go. "Just like we rehearsed," I said. We went inside the bank and took our positions.

"Ready?" Christina cheered rhetorically, "OK!" The girls and I, not so much I, started flipping around and jumping onto shoulders while saying in unison, "One, two, three, four! Everybody get on the floor! Five, six, seven, eight! We are here to rob your bank! Go robbers! Go! Go! Go robbers! Goooooooooo robbers!"

Several girls were thrown up in the air toward the tellers and security guards. They landed on their shoulders, legs around their necks and performed the patented Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders' Bank-Employee-Neck-Snap Maneuver. Just as we had rehearsed at the Stars Hollow Senior Citizen Center, there wasn't enough time for them to hit the alarm.

I quickly grabbed the manager's keys and entered the vault. "Ah!" I smiled, beholding the incredible sight of capitalistic greed, "My favorite kind of paper, money!"

Holding all that money in my hands, I understood the reason for Two-Face's schizophrenia. But before I could flamboyantly go giddy with financial dominance, the vault door slammed shut with a loud....fart?

"Whoopee cushion! Haha!" Pee Wee Herman screamed tossing it to the side.

"You!" I said. "Still working for the company, eh?"

"AAAAAAH!!" Pee Wee ran around the vault yelling like the idiot he pretends to be. "You said the secret word!"

"Are you with the company?"

"AAAAAA-"

"Shut up, you fool and answer me!"

"No," he smiled, "I don't work for the-"

"Say it and I shoot you!"

He giggled and said, "A brain hired me."

"A brain in a jar?" I asked. My stomach sunk and I took a seat. So this is it? Done in by a loony sexual deviant working for a pickled encephelon. Somehow, I always knew it would end like this."

"Ha! Ha!" Pee Wee shouted, turning away from me. "I'm not here to kill you! I'm going to...drive...YOU.....CCRRRAAAZZY!!" Pee Wee turned back to face me and said, "then you'll have no choice but to pay my boss $200/hour to talk about your mother!"

"Oh, yeah?" I said. "I don't enjoy your company!"

As Pee Wee began his familiar shenanigans, I shot him and left the vault with the money.

I rejoined my cheerleaders, bags in hand. "Alright, let's go!"

"Not so fast," Erica said, pointing out the window. "We've got company!"

"Aaaa-ugh...aaaaah!" screaming and moaning erupted from inside the vault. "You...said...the...secret..."

"I'll take care of him!" Kandi volunteered and ran inside the vault.

Outside, the street was was lined with police. "Now's maybe not the best time to say this, Mr. Butler," Erica said, "but you seriously reek!"

I sniffed my armpit. Seaweed. Rotting fish. A New York subway. "Aha!" I said and pulled the red herring from my pocket. "I've got an idea." I tossed the fish out the front door. The fuzz rushed in on it.

"Freeze, punk!"
"Hands in the air!"
"You are one smelly perp!"

While the police were distracted, my team and I sneaked out the back with all the money. Kandi came running out with brain juice dripping from her mouth. "Way to send Pee Wee's boss a message," I congratulated her.

5 comments:

Dr. Nemonok said...

It's so difficult hiring good help these days.

Are all of these court appointed counseling patients like him? This is one unusual planet.

captain koma said...

I must congratulate Kandi on a job well done.

In fact I do believe the UN Center for Good Taste has had a bounty out for Pee Wee for some time.

I'm sure Kandy could claim that bounty. She looks like she needs the money.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Killing Pee Wee is kinda like killing Jar Jar. It just make you feel good all over.

Hotstuff said...

oh no now I am going to have nightmares for a year so glad she killed him

Gyrobo said...

I say he's poised for a comeback.

So's Don Knots.