Saturday, November 10, 2007

Magneto robs a bank, sort of.

Rob a bank? Bah! That’s child’s play. I’ve been robbing banks since the day I slid from my mother’s womb. Besides, it’s not robbing. That implies that homo sapiens are entitled to actually own property. Everything in this world belongs to the rightful heirs of the planet – homo superior. And I, as the natural leader of homo superiors, am the one entitled to control it all. I cannot steal from myself. Any idiot can see that.

“I don’t understand what the heck you’re talking about,” whined my henchman dressed like an Indian chief.

“Of course not,” I told him. “You are merely a homo sapien. I wouldn’t expect cattle to understand anything. Now take the others and go to the bank and bring back all the money. I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

“You aren’t coming?” the construction worker asked.

“Of course not,” I responded. “Oprah is about to start.”

“Well don’t we need guns or something?” asked the cop.

“Of course not,” I said. “With those stupid costumes your wearing, the people at the bank will assume you have super powers. Just tell them you work for me.”

As my henchmen filed out, I sat back in my Laz-e-boy and turned on the TV. Oh good, Oprah was just starting. I love her opening music. I bet she wrote it herself. Oprah is a genius.

The show was about the trials over-weight women endure in this culture. Sapiens can be so insensitive and judgmental. When I rule this world, the obese will not be persecuted. Unfortunately I had gotten so involved in the pathos of the show that I failed to notice the high-pitched squeal of police sirens outside my building. I didn’t miss the battering ram burst in the front door, however.

A swarm of uniformed officers charged into the living room, the guns drawn. Their metal guns. With a wave of my hand I yanked all their guns from their hands. Then I pulled their belts from their pants by the metal buckles. All their pants fell down to their knees and as one the police tripped over themselves, falling into a big pile.

Leaving by the window, I hovered down to the street. Quickly disabling the other police, I ripped over the roof of the paddy wagon holding my henchmen.

“What on Earth happened?!” I bellowed at them.

“We, uh, we got pinched,” the cowboy said. “When we got to the bank and demanded all the money, the people didn’t believe us. They all just laughed at us. They thought is was a joke. We didn’t have any guns or powers or anything so we just surrendered.”


“You’re pathetic!” I shouted.

Rising into the air, I lifted the wagon with my henchmen inside and flew us to the bank. Marching inside, I blew the vault door off its hinges and told my pathetic henchman to go in and grab as much cash they could carry.

“What now?” the Indian asked. “The police are still at the hotel.”

Great. Looks like I’m going to need a new hideout.


Dr. Nemonok said...

Your henches say they don't have powers? They appear to have powers -- the power to be repelling.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Wow! you did thing in a Deadpool approved way and look what happened. All was almost lost.

Did you get to see the end of Ophra?

Mr. Butler said...

Those boobie bobbies!

captain koma said...

Hmm you watch Oprah.

Lin watches Oprah.

Thats all I can say about that.

Deadpool said...

You should have had them sing, and you're right never trust cattles. Us homo superiors need to stick together.

Gyrobo said...

In the future, excess body weight will be converted into pure energy.

Which will power the food replicators.