Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Nemonok: A Simple Plan

“Wait a minute,” Iron Butterfly grumbled. “What’s he doing here? I thought we were your only three henchmen.”

“Of course you are. I just called in Bob the Goon here to do be my main hench.”

Iron Butterfly growled, obviously he was positioning himself as my right hand man and didn’t like this development.

“Bob is well experienced in henching. Tell them about your experience, Bob.”

“Oh, I done a lot. Lessee, I ran with the Joker,” the goon answered. “I worked a chuck wagon on a cattle drive, I built a supercomputer, I was a mechanic for a repo company...”

“Oh Bob, you are being far too modest. In addition to all that he just mentioned, Bob is also very adept in PeopleSoft and has quite a bit of database experience. So he will handle all the administrative tasks for our little group. Honestly, I just don’t understand why this union insists on so much paperwork.”

“Yeah, I understand that life isn’t a bunch o’ unconnected incidents ‘n things,” Bob mumbled. “People don't realize that there's this, like, lattice o' coincidence that lays on top o' everything. Give you an example; show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate o' shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o' shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness.”

“Very good, that will be all now, Bob.”

“Anyone want some shrimp?” Bob asked. “No?”

“Yeah, so Bob’s here now,” Butterfly continued to grumble. “Where’s that leave us?”

“And by ‘us’ you mean ‘you,’ don’t you? Your job is not in jeopardy, Mr. Butterfly. I hired you to kick sphincter and chew gum, as they say. And speaking of gum, that brings us to our challenge.”

“Finally some action!” Apocalypto Pickle cracked his knuckles.

“About time.” Gun Nut cocked one of her weapons.

“We will be robbing the Stars Hollow Bank. As I understand it, there will be the local law as well as heroes to contend with there. What they won’t expect is that we will attack it, not from the front or the rear, but from the side.”

I showed a hologram of the bank and the factory next to it.

“Right next to the bank is the Superstar Bubble Gum Factory. We will go through there and rob the bank dry.”

“Sweet,” Butterfly grinned. “Heh heh.”

* * *

By all that is unholy, I cannot wait to get out of this town. As part of my plan (which is brilliant, of course), I am the lookout in the getaway car. My acute sensors pick up everything that is going around and everywhere I scan, there is a mother and daughter dyad sitting there talking to each other about some mundane subject in some awful rapid fire patter. Always dancing around their topic, they are, but never quite hitting it. They’re in the bakery, in the coffee shop, and sitting on park benchs. Always talking about school and relationships and whatever else interests them and their pitiful existence. I cannot wait to get out of this horrid town.

My team burst their way through the gum factory and into the bank with little opposition. In the bank, however, is a different story. As I expected, there were indeed heroes waiting for my group.

“Give it up, punks,” the Amazing Amy Amazon ordered. “It is our duty to stop you and your reign of terror.”

“That’s right, folks,” Professor Steampunk added. “Do not make me use my Osmotronic Retrofier on you.”

“I should just shoot you where you stand,” said the third hero to Gun Nut.

“Merc ‘The Executioner’ Browning,” Gun Nut sneered. “When we last met in Monte Carlo, I only damaged your eye and your rep. Maybe this time I’ll just finish the job.”

“Let’s go, mates!” Apocalypto Pickle shouted. “Let’s stomp these dirty bastards!”

Gun Nut and Browning opened fire on each other with their weapons. Emptying magazine after magazine while running and diving behind anything they could use for cover. Iron Butterfly and Amy Amazon squared off, each one’s immense strength was matched by the other. Professor Steampunk tried to fire his weapon at Pickle, but my hench was too quick on his feet.

The battle raged on for several minutes, with neither team gaining true advantage over the other. Clearly, I was going to have to intervene.


Nature abhors a vacuum and I abhor violence, but some things are just unavoidable, I suppose.

I smashed through the front doors in my armored Robosuit and ran right into the Amazon. She stumbled forward just as Butterfly gave a mighty swing of his club. The impact cleanly separated her head from the rest of her body and it rolled across the lobby’s marble floor.

“You killed Amy!” Steampunk cried as he fired his weapon at me. My Robosuit easily handled his attack and I returned fire with my disrupter, disintegrating the couch he was using for cover. Gun Nut quickly dispatched him with a shot from her weapon.

“Argh!” Merc howled in rage and charged at his arch enemy. He himself was thrown through the air by an explosion courtesy of Pickle. His crumpled body landed on the ground in a twisted, smoking heap.

“Too bad,” Gun Nut sneered as she kicked his corpse. “I wanted to finish him off myself.”

“Butterfly, Pickle, take all that you can haul from the vault. Gun Nut, there is something special in the safety deposit boxes. I want you to retrieve those.”

“You got it, chief!” Pickle sloppily saluted and followed Butterfly into the vault. Gun Nut disappeared into the vault as well and quickly returned with an armful of jewelry.

“They’re beautiful,” she gasped. “Can I keep them?”

“Keep all that you want. All I want is that diamond.”

“This diamond?” she held it up and looked at it in the light. “Sure is big.”

“Yes, this is the Big Mouth Diamond, owned by the wealthy Gilmore family. Or should I say formerly owned by the Gilmore family. I have a purpose for that.”

“You got it,” she smiled.

“Lookit all this money, boss!” Butterfly exited the vault holding several sacks filled with money. “And we can keep all this?”

“Of course. I only want the diamond.”


Bruce Cain said...

Are you sure the steam guy isn't really Magneto with all that pink?

captain koma said...

Now what do you want that diamond for?

TX said...

I like your diamond

captain koma said...

Why did you kill Amy Amazon?

You're supposed to tie her up all fan-boy perve like and the let her escape at the last minute.

Its standard super-villain etiquette 101. You really need a good lesson from Professor Joker.

Dr. Nemonok said...

I do apologize for ending Amy Amazon's life like that, then. If it's any consolation, I am sure the fan-boys will be talking about the Rolling Head of Amy Amazon for years to come.

And I am going to use the diamond for evil, of course, heh heh heh.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I like the way you have to tell your Henchfolks everything twice.

And due to that littel quirk, you new villain name is Brainy two times, cuz you're a brain and you say things two times.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I liked Amy!

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

did you know Diamonds are a Brains best friend, becasue they have no other friends.

Mr. Butler said...

"not from the front or the rear, but from the side."

The other two raptors, you didn't even know were there.

Gyrobo said...

I didn't know Cory Doctorow moonlighted. Radical!