Get some henchmen! Not a problem. Part of my day job is kind of henchman like. First you got to know where to look. So I post a Help Wanted ad on Villain.net, Villa-list, and hireahench.com.
Help Wanted: Looking for motivated and skilled associates for less then lawful enterprise. Duties may include all sort of bad things. Good waged, Health care and Dental for all. Please apply in person on Friday at Villain Park near the Koma Center.
On Friday there was quite a crowd in the park. After I cleared out the bums and the businessmen I began the interviews.
“Yo Yo Yo Yo, I am the ice man. *begins to rap* I be illin’, I be chillin’, When I hit the BBQ, I be grillin’….”
“Stop right there!” I shout, “Leave now, before people get tired of this joke.”
The next person steps up.
No Really, WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
“Hi, I am Samantha. I see that you are in need of people to fill out your criminal organization. The girls of Troop 266 are at you disposal, as long as you don’t interfere with our Cookie distribution net work.” She smiles a cheerful smile.
“Uhhhh…Uhhhhhh” I stammer, “What kind of henchmen … ummm henchgirls can you be. You are a little kid. Come on! Do you think you are really up to helping me become a Super villain?”
Samantha face turns hard and the snaps at me, “Listen here helmet head, do you know how much work and villainy goes in to becoming the top selling Cookie troop in this area. We control every corner, every store front and every street. Not a cookie moves in this city with out my say so. Take a look at this.”
Cute, Community service work…
“Oh isn’t that nice. You’re planting a tree.’ I smirk
“That ain’t no tree, white boy. That was a group of cub scouts and some rainbow girls who tried to muscle in on our territory. I strangled the leader with my sash and sent Polaroids to all the other organization in town as a warning.” She flicks a card at me and snarls “give me a call if you want to hire us.”
The next group shows up.
Come On ….WTF?!?!?!?!
“Hi, we’re clone troopers and are here to help our fellow trooper!” they shout in unison.
“No, you are not. You are morons in cardboard suits. Next!!!!” I inform them.
OK, this is just getting lame… Gabby Hays…. Come on!
“Dag’Nammit! What in tarnation are you doing here Clone Boy!” Gabby asks
“What are you doing?” I retort “Aren’t you more of a comic sidekick, not a henchman?”
Gabby strokes his beard, “Well Clonie, it turns out Henching is a little more profitable that comic sidekicking. Also I get shot in the shoulder a let less nowadays. I even have a small crew under me.” He points across the park.
At least they have fake military experience?
“Uhh Gabby, most of those guy look old enough to have fought in the real civil war.” I mock
“Yeah, they do.” He replies, “but that just means they have experience and know how. So what do you say Clone zone. Do you think you can use us?”
“Yes, Yes I do. I am going to sign your group and Samantha group up. That way we will have youth and experience in our organization. And you know what Gabby ….. Gabby are you wetting yourself?”
Gabby shrugs “Depends”