“I can’t believe you sent that apple-cheeked freak after me like that!”
It was the man who calls himself Mr. Butler and he was quite upset about something. It must have been that Pee Wee character who I sent to visit him while he was doing that bank job. I think he’ll understand if I just explain my actions.
“In my spare time while I am here on Earth, I decided to pick up a few court-appointed counseling cases and he was one of them. Once we got talking, he mentioned his past relationship with you and I thought it would be a splendid idea for you two to see each other again.”
“I almost got caught because of that scrawny bastard,” the former paper salesman and current stone cold killer gritted his teeth at me. “If it weren’t for the Kandi’s, uh, unusual talents, I’d never have gotten rid of him.”
“And you did not enjoy your little reunion?”
“Your anxiety caused by this reunion is very unexpected of me and most unfortunate. Would you like to talk about it?”
“Me talk to you?” he scoffed. “I don’t think so.”
“Please, we could just chat for a little while. Please, have a seat.”
“Oh.” He was surprised as he sank into the cushions. “This is a really comfortable couch.”
“It is. Sometimes I envy those who posses buttocks. You should try lying down.”
“This is great,” Butler sighed as he leaned back and found a comfortable position.
“So tell me about your daughter Claire.”
“I just want to keep her safe forever, but I don’t know if I can do it. I even went to the Ukraine to kill my old friend and mentor to protect her.” Mr. Butler sighed a bit from his reclined position on the couch. “My little Claire Bear is growing so fast.”
“And what about Lyle?"
“Oh, him. He has no ability.”
“I see. So you desire to protect the indestructible one, but don't care for the well-being of your mortal child?”
“Sometimes I even wonder what I’m even doing in paper.” Butler threw his hands up and shrugged. “People hardly send cards or write letters anymore. They just don’t seem to like paper, it’s too personal.”
“Interesting. If I had a pad of paper here, I would surely be writing on it right now, I assure you.”
“Aw, I can’t be mad at you,” the man in the glasses shook his head and chuckled. “You can’t write, you don’t have any hands to hold the pen. No offense.”
“Oh none taken, of course. I am what I am. You know you should try saying that.”
“I am what I am?” he asked.
“Very good. Now say it with authority.”
“I am what I am,” he repeated.
“Splendid. Now say it with one eye squinted for emphasis.”
“I am what I am,” Mr. Butler said confidently.
“Very well done. You know, we aren’t so much different, you and I. We’re both kind of old fashioned guys: You wear glasses that are slightly anachronistic, you like your paper and you carry your red Swingline like a badge of honor, while I am a disembodied brain encased in a nutrient-rich jar.”
“Oh yeah, I can really see our common ground, too,” the man nodded. “For example, you work for some evil alien determined to rule the galaxy through mysterious means, while I work for an evil paper company that has mysterious goals.”
“Oh, except I don’t work for them any more.” The man in horn-rimmed glasses scratched the top of his head. “In fact, I’m trying to take them all down now. Any chance you’d want to do that to your boss?”
“Oh heavens no. I am not that foolish. Well, I see our time is about up, if you want to talk about this next week, please see Bob the Goon about an appointment. I have a tee time in 20 minutes.”
“No, of course not. I’ve never liked golf.”
“Ha ha, now that’s funny,” Butler chuckled. “Hey, thanks for this little talk, it was kind of refreshing.”
I noticed a spring in his step as my pseudo patient walked out of the room. My attention was then drawn to a copper projectile ricocheting off my brain containment jar.
“I want to have a word with you,” my heavily armed henchwoman said as smoke wafted from her weapon pointed at me. I noticed the contemptuous sneer that she normally has was replaced by an angry sneer.
“Gun Nut. What brings you here?”
“You’ve got a whole lot of nerve,” she growled. “You think I’m going to just sit around while you pull all the strings with me and my friends?”
“Well I did hire you. I suppose that would put me in charge. Do you normally shoot your employers like that?”
“Sometimes,” a slight grin cracked from her angry sneer. She holstered her sidearm and stepped towards me. “When they don’t give me what I want.”
“You and Mr. Butler would make a fine couple.”
“Butler’s not the one I want,” she replied as she slid towards me. She breathed heavily on my jar and wiped her finger across the condensation. “You are.”
“I am afraid that it probably wouldn’t work. I am not even certain if our two species are compatible. I also lack a body for physical intimacy. That is what you want, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” she breathed heavily. She pulled her outfit off, revealing an outfit underneath that I would be certain that the males of her species would definitely find attractive. “Couldn’t you, I dunno, clone a body or something?”
“Believe me, I have tried it. My cloned bodies were even quicker to fall apart in the presence of my dark lord Galactor. Putting my brain in a jar like this was the only way to preserve my life. For what it is.”
“What about putting your brain in someone else’s body?” she suggested. “How about Iron Butterfly? He’s got a big and healthy body.”
“I’ve tried placing my brain in ‘donors’ as well. That is truly more trouble than it’s worth. No one is ever happy with the outcome of one of those surgeries.”
“The one man I could ever love in this Godforsaken galaxy,” Gun Nut threw her arms up and laughed. “The only one who I couldn’t hold in utter contempt and disdain, the only one I could ever consider an equal, and he’s not even a man. Just some brain in a jar.”
“Perhaps I could still assist you in your desire, Gun Nut. As I lack a physical body, I have more time to spend developing my mind. I do have some psionic abilities, most notably low-level telekinesis and telepathy. Just give me a moment for my sensors to map the patterns of your brain and nerve impulses.”
“What? Oh…” her expression changed as I stimulated certain spots, inducing feelings of pleasure and stimulation. “Oh.”
“I think I have found it. There.”
“Oh,” she moaned as another wave washed over her. “That feels so good.”
“You are definitely a desirable woman. Your body has all the proper curves in the proper places.”
“Oh Nemonok,” she sighed. “Oh Nemonok. You are so—”
“I am glad you are enjoying this. Giving you pleasure does indeed give me pleasure.”
She moaned again as I stimulated another cluster of nerves. I moved back to her brain and induced more pleasure in her hypothalamus.
“I would love to make love to your body, but I would more love to make love to your mind.”
She gave one last moan of ecstasy before throwing herself to the ground in front of me. She curled her arms around my lower containment vessel in order to steady herself.
“That… was… wonderful…” she huffed. “Oh my…”
“I am not certain why your species is so enamored with attempting to produce offspring without actually doing so, but I did certainly enjoy our session together.”
Gun Nut looked up and me. “Call me,” she said quietly.